Missing the plot

I consider myself a good mother… in fact I might be a bit smug about my mothering skills as I see my son as a wonderful and well balanced little boy… but I am by no means and in no way a perfect mother!

The type of work I do means that for 6 months out of the year I work extremely long and stress full hours, this also means that finding the right balance between work and home is difficult as I spend my days on the road doing site visits with my 129 clients (in my field we usually only average around 50 clients per SDF) and my late afternoons and nights doing the work that I cant do during the day.

I dropped the ball… I missed the plot… I forgot where my priorities are supposed to be and the reason why I work at all… MY SON! I hate myself for this and tend to take it out on the wrong people.

I’m good at reading people and situation which is what makes me excellent at my job and is also directly link to the reason why my boss loads me up slightly more than the rest of the office (which I also run in conjunction with my actual work) But I used to be a teacher and I’m also great with gauging kids¬†emotions and reasoning behind those emotions. This all sound very egotistical but the thing is I’m really not egotistic, I know my strengths and my weakness inside and out, spent my formative years in the psychologists chair being pumped full of psychobabble and meds.

I know “me” better than most people know themselves. I don’t like “me” a lot for the same reasons… but I do know me.

My son has been clinging to me like white on rice for the last couple of weeks, enough to start irritating me. But my work needs doing so I plonked him in front of the TV (I hate parents who use TV’s as babysitters… and here I sit judging from my glass house). When my work is done my brain feels so fried that all I want to do is plonk beside him and forget that the world exists. So today he asked us to play a board game and not really being in the mood I delay as long as possible but eventually we get the game out and start playing…

The chosen game usually takes a while but by some luck he wins the game in the first 15 minutes… he became frantic looking for a loophole some way to extend the game so that we spend a little more time together… I looked at him and a light started flickering in the back of my brain… which I pay no attention to because remember the fried brain syndrome I have… we play another round I win after a while and a couple of laughs and the game ends.

We got ready to make Sunday lunch and he pops into the kitchen and asked if there was something he could help with… we both said not now go watch a series… blind blind blind! After lunch we vegged out in front of the TV watching House (he loves the guts and gore) after basically trying to get into my skin with me I decide it’s time to do the dishes (our usual family talking time) he asked me for the 7th time that day how I slept my the flickering light finally becomes a flood light and I realize whats going on… He wants to talk… about anything, he just wants to talk to us!

So my mind starts working on this and my mouth starts making conversation (without my head) we start talking about what we would do should we ever get hold of 60 million rand… this is a “what if” game we have always played and its always been fun but tonight all I heard was hubby taking his dreams apart (he wasn’t really he was only pointing out logistics but I just couldn’t see it through my own rage at myself). I realized I was about to say something irrational and excused myself to try and calm down…

I didn’t leave for long enough because by the time I came back they had done the remaining dishes and Tris excused himself to go watch some more TV… wonderful mother that I am. I flew into hubby accusing him of being a dream crusher and… well a whole lot of other irrelevant stuff. Aggravatingly enough he just stood there and stared at me… which gave me enough time to vent and to put my thoughts more or less in order. To make a plan to rectify the things I had been doing wrong for the last month or so…

To realize that Tris simply offered to help with lunch because he wanted to be a part of what we where doing and that I should have (as I have always done) made up something for him to do. To realize that him being on top of me the whole time was a cry for attention and not a ploy to irritate the living daylights out of me… to realize that my work means nothing if it does not allow me to spend the time I do have free with my boys! To realize that vegging out in front of the TV together does not mean time spent together.

So now I know whats wrong I need to fix it… I know how to fix most of the problems but I also know that my work (even though I love what I do) will eventually cause my family to fall apart and if I cant compartmentalize I will break down… me breaking down is not good in anyone’s books… I break spectacularly! I need to change the pace or change jobs, but first I need to get through this in one piece and make sure my son gets through it with me unscathed…

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